4 Ways Kink Can Boost Your Sex Life- No Whips Required
When the topic of kink, specifically BDSM (Bondage Discipline Dominance Submission Sado Masochism), comes up with couples looking to spruce up their sex lives, they oftentimes vehemently shake their heads “no”, pushing away the thought of themselves cracking whips clad in black latex. And that’s OK. BDSM as a lifestyle isn’t for everyone. However, the way BDSM is practiced can help bring self-designated “vanilla” couples the erotic boost they are looking for.
I’m not going to go into BDSM per se, but if you’re curious to learn more about the lifestyle, here is a great article on the topic. Instead, I’m simply going to highlight a few of the processes that BDSM folks use that bring their sex game to the next level that actually have nothing to do with the act of sex itself. The best part? ANYONE, no matter what your sexual preference, orientation or style, can put these into practice.
So here are four BDSM practices that can help improve your sex life:
Set The “Scene” Through Communication and Negotiation
People that practice BDSM are amongst the best communicators out there when it comes to sex. Consent and safety are always number one priority, which means all the details of the play are negotiated and discussed upfront. This includes a dialogue around what each partner is looking for, how they want it to happen and what they are not ok with. This may come as a surprise when you think of people that take on submissive roles, but it’s the subs that are calling the shots. They are communicating beforehand what their limits are. This type of negotiation serves a few glorious purposes:
It takes the anxiety and guesswork out of sex. You don’t have to wonder what your partner is into or up for, or worry about how they might respond when you suggest trying something new.
It ensures, with certainty, everyone is completely on board with how the play will proceed. Of course, everyone can change their mind at any time – hence the use of safe words - but it allows everyone to go in with mutual consent.
It becomes its own form of foreplay to imagine, fantasize and discuss all the intricate details of your desires with each other. The anticipation of the act can be just as exciting as the act itself.
Create Your Own “Aftercare” Ritual
One of the main practices in BDSM is that of aftercare, which is basically a de-brief during which the participants discuss the experience and share what they enjoyed, why and what they did not enjoy. Aside from strengthening the understanding they each have of the others’ sexual desires, which in turn helps make for even better experiences in the future, it also serves as a bonding ritual of sorts that prolongs the erotic connection. What aftercare looks like is up to you. Maybe you and your partner like to cuddle on the couch with a cup of tea (or post-sex cocktails) to chat. Whatever the ritual, it trumps rolling over and going to sleep, or getting up to finish the dishes.
Play with Power Dynamics
There is nothing more intriguing than the dynamics of power. It plays into every aspect of our lives and dictates how we show up in life. When it comes to sex, try taking on different power positions- dominant or submissive- and allow yourself to really feel yourself in that role. Used to being the boss at work? Try taking on a submissive role in sex and see how that feels. Maybe you’re less assertive in real life. Try on dominance for an hour or two. Playing with power dynamics doesn’t have to include pain or involve elaborate bondage setups. The only tool you might use could be your words. What would it be like to have your partner tell you exactly what to do? Or to be completely in charge of someone else’s pleasure? Give it a shot, you might surprise yourself.
Get Creative with Your Setting
People that practice BDSM often set the stage for their scene and craft the right environment to fulfil their desires, using all sorts of props from everyday life. Get creative with your environment and think outside the bedroom. What would make a good set for your next encounter? Maybe the kitchen counter? The backseat of your car? When you’re in that space, what “tools” are at your disposal? Heck, with the right lens, your vegetable drawer is practically a sex shop. The idea is to think beyond the everyday and see how you can employ your environment - from the space you’re in, to the toys you use and the clothes you wear- to craft a sexual experience that goes beyond the mundane. It doesn’t always have to be elaborate, but simple shifts in environment add to the novelty of the experience, which is a surefire aphrodisiac.
At the end of the day, whether you identify as kinky, vanilla or anything in between, communication, connection, fantasy and creativity are the real tools towards having better sex. They are tools that allow us to explore our sexuality safely and to experiment with our desires and fantasies in a supportive environment. So, if sex is feeling stagnant and you’re interested in exploring a heightened experience, think of the points discussed in this article as the tools you’ll need to make that happen.
With the right tools and a mind open to experience, who knows what you might uncover?
